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Saturday

Contemplation

I got up this morning and made myself a cup of coffee. I put it down somewhere and now I can’t find it. Instead of looking for it I just made myself another cup. It will show up.
I am back from ‘vacation,’ and one more time I am overwhelmed by the amount of work it takes to get a family from one location to the next. There is a sea of equipment, clothes, food and trash to sort through and put away. The best part is btm brought it all in and put it on the living room floor and promised he would help me sort through it tomorrow. Well, its tomorrow and btm is sick in bed and wants me to take care of him. My teenager can’t be counted on, and the four year old just wants to play.
But more than that, the house has limited food choices. I ran out last night for milk and juice, and I meant for it to be a quick trip to the market. All of a sudden, I found myself alone for the first time in a week, and I slowed down to relish that moment. As I walked through the market, I realized that my eating frenzy was coming to an end. This year I have committed to changing my lifestyle. I’m on the move more eat less plan. I know it is the right thing to do. I know I will feel better, and I know I will look better.
Still, as I walked slowly through the aisles, I felt sad. No more popcorn, chips, pretzels. No more candy, brownies, doughnuts, ice cream. No more bread or sandwiches. No pizza, rice or generally things I love.
How am I possibly going to give all this up?
Am I sure I am at that place where looking good and feeling healthy outweighs the comfort I get from food? Or am I just comfortable enough to be okay with how I look? I am married, with kids, and I don’t need to impress anybody, so what’s the big deal?
My ramblings come to a screeching halt as I glimpsed the cover of a magazine. There in front of me were 3 women on the cover; all of them had lost half their body weight! I looked around to see who was watching me before I hurried the magazine off the shelf and into my cart. I was done shopping. I wanted to get home to read the article that accompanied the pictures to be inspired. I suddenly wanted that lifestyle change they had. I wanted to see before and after shots. I wanted what they had!
I could hardly wait when I got home to read that magazine. I went through the motions of getting dinner, putting the family down for the night, and when it was done, I grabbed that magazine and sat down and opened the pages, ready for the life changing moment when I found the answer. The lightning bolt. The burning bush. The come to Jesus. The psychic change. The light bulb.
What I read instead was what I already knew. A life change was imminent. I don’t know what I was hoping for, but I realized there is no easy way. I wasn’t going to smoke speed for weight loss, so having ruled that out, I realize that when the chaos of this holiday is over, I will need to put myself first. I will need to start that life change. Walk through the fear of sacrifice and entitlement and come out the other end a new and improved person. I need to quit wishing and get into action.
I know now what I have to do! I need to buy new work out clothes for the gym!

4 comments:

akvirtue said...

Taye - I love you more with each new entry I read. I too am sitting at my computer, eating what I shouldn't be eating and surfing the net.....all to avoid the mountain of dirty clothes, suitcases and mail I need to sort through. We just returned from our "vacation". My husband is asleep on the couch. The kids are all in bed and here I am wasting time ....... or actually as you said, I am just enjoying the quiet in my house. I have lived in the world of "I'll start tomorrow". And sadly tomorrow has never come. Thank you for your writings. I really relate.

Susan Lowery said...

I get it Taye - me three (after Alima)....

After a semester of teaching the most difficult -I too have denegrated to the den and din of self hate. It's time to "come to mama" and be accountable. Accountable to and for loving myself - even if not a soul in classroom or the rest of the worlrd feels that way. If I don't do it, nobody else will. I too need to remove the feedback, unloop it from each ear and lift my chin.

Thanks for your writing. It's poignant, fertile and funny.

cindyfaith said...

Taye, thanks for the writing. I can relate, just as Ali & Susie Q. There is an invisible string between me and this D)*#$)(#$*% computer. There has been for a very long time - years. Once I sit here, I am paralyzed. My life is so good but so scarey. I know I'm not alone - that's for sure but the journey, the who and what I am is quite unknown. It occurred to me in the past 24 hours that I have had no alone time. Perhaps in my case, that's a good thing. I posted to my site: www.cindyfaith.wordpress.com with a video of Smidget chasing a laser light. A 2009 goal :) xoxox to all

Quincy said...

I know you can do it. You are an amazing woman who I believe can do anything.