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Did you know if you Google Tastys Big Butt it shows up on the same page as Big Ass Porn?
Of Course you did!!


Spray Tans Aren't For Vagina's.

So I had an incident the other day at the tanning salon. Here in So Cal we are having our first truly hot days, and at 90 degrees outside, I can hardly wear jeans, right?
But here's my dilemma. My legs look like the ghost of Christmas Past. I figure I need a little color, but I am super freaked out worried  about getting melanomas in tanning booths. Let me just say that when I am at the beach I use sunscreen, but if you are TRYING to get a tan in a booth, SPF 50 kind of defeats the purpose, right? So..duh...melanoma.
I had heard about these spray on tans from a few people I know who love them. Yes.They are pricey. Yes. They really do work. No, you won't turn orange if you choose the right color. (Because apparently these sprays come in colors.)
That was all the research I did. And I imagined I would come out looking like this:

So I went to the tanning horrors of hell salon and inquired of the young bubbly girl behind the counter. I told her I was interested in a spray tan, and she got very excited. Had I been here before? Had I ever tanned in a booth before? Do I burn?
I explained that I wouldn't be burning because I did not want a booth tan, but a spray on tan. And she encouraged me to take 10 minutes in the accelerator booth and then spray tan for optimum results. She explained that I most likely wouldn't get melanoma from one session in the accelerator booth, and I really should take her instruction, as she saw the results all the time. We discussed color, and I told her I had heard about the CLEAR spray, and told her that I heard it was the route to go. Then she giggled and said, yes but as this was my first time, I would want the bronze, so I knew where to wipe down after coming out of the spray booth, and I told her I didn't think I would have a problem with that, since I knew where my vagina was, and she didn't know what to say to that. She just kept PRESSURING me, and so I said, fine. I'm going to trust you. Which, as I look back on it was not my first mistake.

I went into the accelerator booth where she insisted I didn't have to turn over, and left me for my 10 minutes. This is not really part of the story, but I did leave there feeling like my skin was all tight and I thought for a minute that I really did look younger. Then she took me to the spray tan booth. She explained what to do, said I would press the green button within 4 seconds of getting in, and assume the appropriate position so the spray would not get into the creases which is in a sort of upright squat with your hands tilted against the spray. I would feel a light relaxing mist, and when the mist stopped, I should turn around, assume the position and mist my back side.

It all sounded okay. I donned the shower cap, and applied the does absolutely nothing barrier lotion to my hands and feet and got in. I pressed the button. Sure enough, the mist was cool and refreshing and over in a few seconds. Then the mist stopped, and I turned around, and then the machine FUCKING MALFUNCTIONED. It beeped a few times and a red light came on, and then instead of the refreshing cool mist, I got pelted with jet streams of tanning fluid, and before I could recover from the shock it was over. And when I got out, pools of tanning fluid were dripping down my back and and legs and into regions that should never be sprayed like that. And it looked like I had LAID DOWN IN A POOL OF ORANGE BROWN FINGER PAINT.

I grabbed a the first thing I saw and started rubbing furiously to take off the excess fluid, but there weren't enough paper towels and so I grabbed the hand towel she had left me and rubbed until I was dry. Then I looked in the mirror. And then I got dressed and asked the girl to come to the back where I asked her what happened, and she said she didn't know. Gosh. That's never happened before. And so then I asked her what could I do to fix it, and she suggested I do it again to even out the streaks.  And I said no, I didn't think that was a good idea, and I would like my money back, and she said that was not their policy but I could come back for another tan for free. And then she told me that it would last 7-10 days.

And then I went home, and wondered how BTM was going to take it. God. HE IS SO SELF RIGHTEOUS!

And instead of looking young and vibrant I look like this:

And my hands look like this: (these are my hands)

And I just need to mention that my butt and vagina were artificially sun burned from the 10 minute accelerator booth. Which of course BTM romantically offered to get me ice for. Because he is always thinking of others.

I wish I could come up with a happy ending to the story. The tan faded, the burn went away. I will not be doing that again. End.