Google it...if you dare.

Did you know if you Google Tastys Big Butt it shows up on the same page as Big Ass Porn?
Of Course you did!!

Thursday

The Good, The Bad, and the Oh So Ugly

When I was a kid, I used to love to ski. I felt happy, joyous and free in the sun and cold, and the rush I got made me believe that God was breathing life into my soul.
I’ve been trying to grasp onto that feeling every run I go on here. It seems just out of my reach as self-obsession creeps to the surface and my focus isn’t on feeling anything other than calf pain.
Anyway, I start getting into a little groove, relaxing a little more and looking around. The guys seem so young, and the ladies are soooo fashionable. Snow bunnies abound. I was sort of hoping I would get inspired by being around these women who are so unbelievably put together. Instead, I find myself just wanting to go back to my room for a cookie. Whatever. I push those feelings aside and go for another run.
I should note here, that a typical run for me is an intermediate run. I’m not a beginner, but I am out of shape and I don’t want to work too hard. You should also know that I do not fall. I’m not bragging, but I have been doing this for awhile. If I fall, I’ve had a bad day. I am also so out of shape, that I find I have to stop every couple hundred yards to catch my breath and rest my legs.
It was on one of these rest stops that it happened. I rested, gasping for breath, not able to soak in the nature around me, but rather just focused on my legs to make sure I hadn’t pulled a muscle. All was good, and I pushed off to continue on. I don’t know what happened next, but I can tell you as I pushed off, my arms flailed, my skis crossed, and down I went. My shoulder hit first, then a faceplant, then a roll. I am sure I howled, because when I stopped, a voice called over to me, “Are you alright?”
As I looked up, a beautiful blond woman made her way over to me. Embarrassed, I assured her I was fine, and started to get up. Here comes the really bad. I couldn’t get up. I tried every trick I knew. I pole planted, I faced my skis up the hill, I flipped over to my ‘good’ side, all the while being encouraged by the beauty. I was just too heavy and weak at the same time. Finally, she offered me her pole, and humiliated, I had her pull me up. I mumbled a thank you, and she gave me a few tips to get down the mountain. I hurried down to a stunned btm husband who asked if I was okay.
So now I am down the hill and waiting in the chair lift line with btm. The line had thinned out and there were only a few single people looking to go up. One of them was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. A super model. I just knew she was riding up with me. Are you ready for the Ugly? As I sat quietly next to her, nursing my hurt feelings from the fall, I glanced sideways at supermodel. With great happiness, I noticed she had forgotten to have her lip waxed before her vacation. I called it a day. It just doesn’t get better than that.

10 comments:

janumaz said...

I love this blog. You had me at "btm".
When you wrote about the dressing and underdressing Scout, I was giggling so much my sister came over to read with me. She is laughing her head off too.
I'm with ya sista. I totally get it. And yes, the calling each other does help. It sucks, but it helps.
I'm here if you need me.....Alima

gottago said...

I kept reading and reading, thinking, "This is great. Wow" I read some more thinking, "Wow, Taye is really a good writer."
Then I read your last line about the supermodel having forgotten to have her lip waxed and I called to Ray, "You have got to come read Taye's blog." "Why?" "Because just when I thought it couldn't get any better, Taye wraps up her blog with this hilariously funny last line."

This is where you are going to make your $$$$$! I sentence you to writing everyday for the rest of your life.
Love, Linda

Ray Jeffers said...

Taye, I am so impressed with your blog, I read a 150 'Malcolm in the Middle' scripts and none were as funny as your blog. Keep it up, I love it. "wty" Ray J

marina said...

this is VERY GOOD, Taye!
Keep writing!

Alexandra Lee said...

Taye!!! You are funny!!! I have laugh sooo hard!!!! I love it!! Good luck with this blog....keep writting!!!!

Karen said...

Hilarious! I love it! You totally cracked me up! Looking forward to following your big butt!

Linda said...

You've always been an amazing storyteller! Sorry about the spill, in all the years I've known you that has never happened. I love you and I understand. I had a huge cry in the car after trying on 6 dresses that I just couldn't get into to. BTW, They last time I was in Mammoth I had to stop and get a beer rather then face that one last run.

Linda said...

You've always been an amazing storyteller! Sorry about the spill, in all the years I've known you that has never happened. I love you and I understand. I had a huge cry in the car after trying on 6 dresses that I just couldn't get into to. BTW, They last time I was in Mammoth I had to stop and get a beer rather then face that one last run.

Joanna said...

Great story, gave me a good belly laugh!

Mizz Pammy said...

OK, I am going to step aside. I wanted to be the next Erma Bombeck of the 21st Century, but you are clearly that! I give props and you are a fabulous story teller. As has been commented before, you should be getting paid!