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Did you know if you Google Tastys Big Butt it shows up on the same page as Big Ass Porn?
Of Course you did!!


Happy Birthday. To me.

If yesterdays Birthday is any indication of how my next year is going to be, I am totally fucked. BTM left at around 5:30 AM for work, and I woke up to a coffee pot that boiled over, and ants were crawling on my counter.
I spent most of the day not feeling well, and fatigue caused me to sleep most of the day. I have rheuma-fucking-toid arthritis and sometimes it takes me out.
When BTM got home from work, he gave me my gift. A pot of flowers. Because I need flowers. Not that I don’t love the flowers, but where the hell is the knife sharpener I asked for? .
That’s right. I want a knife sharpener.

My friend Lauren doesn’t think a knife sharpener in my house is a good idea.
I need one though. My knives are dull and loading them all up and taking them to the guy who does it is expensive and it takes a week to get them back and I would rather have a dull knife than no knife. So I want a damn knife sharpener. I don’t think that ‘s too much to ask.
I guess BTM knows better. Thus the flowers.
Also, BTM made plans with some guys to talk about some big community BBQ and he mistakenly made the meeting for the night of my birthday. When he told me I was very gracious. No big deal. I’m not a child…..we could go out for dinner the next night. So I lit the candles on the birthday cake I bought for myself, sang myself happy birthday, and blew the candles out.
The boy was outside playing with some friends and couldn’t be bothered. Forever Alone.

The day was a bust, but what happened later was the clincher.
It was about 11:30 at night. I barely heard the door open when I sensed someone standing over me. I woke up and saw a man, nostrils flaring, and breathing hard. I screamed. It was BTM, and he was furious.

The following conversation went like this:

BTM: Who did you tell about the thing that happened at The Bankers house?
Me: What?
BTM: WHO DID YOU TELL ABOUT THE THING? I told you not to tell anyone and you had to tell my mom and dad, and they texted me about it AND GAVE ME THE LECTURE.

At this point, I should tell you that a couple of days ago, we were at a friends house (who I call THE BANKER) for dinner, and the guys were in the office looking at something and something happened. And I can’t tell you all about it, because BTM asked me not to, but I really wish I could because it’s the best story ever. But lets just say I knew what happened BECAUSE I’M NOT AN IDIOT. And also it was so loud it took everything I had not to run for cover. Loud noises do that to me. Also, The Bankers wife and I are so used to their shenanigans that the house could blow up and it wouldn't phase us. There is never a dull moment with theses guys.

Later BTM told me what happened in detail. He did ask me not to tell anyone. I didn’t think anyone meant my family.

The angry conversation continued:

BTM: AND did you tell IKE? Because Ike either posted something on face book or texted The Banker and said some shit and now The Banker is pissed off at me, because he asked me not to say anything to anyone, but I told you because you’re my wife. And now I have to clean up your mess!!!!

I rolled over and went back to sleep.

And I didn’t think it was a big secret, because I WAS THERE AND I KNEW WHAT HAPPENED. And now my PTSD is out of control and so is my Tourettes.

Anyway, BTM is still not talking to me today and I suppose the birthday dinner that was supposed to happen tonight is off because I am being punished.

On the up side, I am much less fatigued today. Because there is nothing more energizing than someone thinking you screwed up and then having to walk on eggshells for the rest of the day.


Joy Gorr said...

Ugh!!! If I was there, I'd take you out for dinner... : )

Laurie Peck said...

Well all this really does is make me feel more guilty for missing your special day. :-(

Lissa Baren said...

Sara and I would like to take you out to dinne

Pamela Coutolenc said...

Sounds like one of my birthdays, which are typically uneventful and I don't even buy my own cake. Which now I think I should. But I had my whole family forget my birthday! I have never let them live that one down......

Pamela Coutolenc said...

...and if I was there, I would take you out to dinner too!

Debra Acosta said...

So, have you made b day dinner plans with the girls yet? just sayin....